Sleepless Nights

dreams

 I had multiple dreams last night.  I dreamed you came home and nothing could keep you from me, and then we ran into him.  You left again…

  I used to label myself as an extrovert, gregarious, wanting and needing people.  I have found myself isolated and busy in my own little world.  Because what pains me most I cannot share with anyone.  I feel like I can’t live alone, as my needs it the past months have reached the high. It appears no one really cares.  I search eyes, profiles, and many places for one who may look at me like you do.  There are none.  My desire to hold, and give are left without an open door. I am tragically stuck in the hole I have dug, and it is caving.

  I want more, but when is enough…enough?  I remember in the words of the counselor….do not toy(texting incident) but wait patiently, and do not be complacent, because she will drift away. 

  As I do both, I am confused, as you tell me to move on, but you don’t want to lose me. 

  You tell me to let you do this(leave you alone), but don’t be complacent……

  Out of sight out of mind…….As you become “independent” you are only independent in the areas in which he wants you to be….(taking yourself to work, changing your tire or getting someone eles to, unloading your stuff when it cold…because he is cold too, and he hurries to get in the car.)  You become more dependent in your everyday life as it is now planned for you….(“there aren’t any movies I am dying to see, so what would you like to do, ….you can never see this person again, or this person either,… you can wear this ring now, and this one to work, and you can’t buy anything we have no money….etc) There is reality in words…….

  My hope and reality is in your words.…”it is so good to see you, I love your warmth, no one treats me like you, no one knows me like you, I will always love you and love you in that way, no one listens to me like you, you know my thoughts and I don’t have to say them, I WILL see you again, no makes my heart skip beats like you, you are the highest of highs.”

  Remember what helped you realize the person you can be…THE ring, the piano, the antiques that NOW fill your house, refinancing your house…. the boat, the puppy, the trips…New York, Florida, Dresden, the endless hours through your depression when no one would listen……As we worked through the tears, and you became so confident and won an award only few are capable of,…. the color and length of your hair….and the compliments that have come your way because of  that beauty….etc…  

  Realize what is true and who believes in your heart and soul.  Understand the person that wants to make you a better person, who loves you, and does not criticize……but creates avenues for growth….. 

  After a true reality check the next words are always…….the timing isn’t right…..I understand that, but the heart can be…..and I will wait for the timing as long as I know the heart is with me……. 

coming home

Many thoughts go through my head as you come home……..I am excited but then I think why?  You don’t appear to want to see me, and you try to avoid me, if for some reason our conversations negative, you tell me that if it continues you don’t want to see me……But on the other hand…you will think that I don’t love you and that I would leave.  That I am not listening, and that everything I have said is just fake.  That my love for you could really never be as deep as I said.  I thought by now the way the end happened that you would be knocking down my door at least once week or so.  At this point I don’t know who I am dealing with.  I don’t know if you are going to treat me like Tom, Beth, Jill, Amy, and the significant others or holding up a shell of a life…..where you say there is no communication, no listening, no sex, and total control over most parts of your life. That your genuine self is stifled, even by the wedding ring you now wear.  He drives you to tears by continually doing what he said he would fix. Then band aids it until the next fall out.   He started caring when he realized their maybe someone else who cared more.   He modeled my every move to make it appear as me. But also admitted to poor treatment…..for many years, just because?  And now when there is threat …..there is some effort. 

      I stand by your values, I have changed, my anger has diminished (ask my kids).  My anger was driven by him and the way he treats you, and you accept. If we could leave two people far behind we would be much better people.

    You know I can and will always take your best interest into account, I love you …I calm you….breath of fresh air….I let you be you…..I want to warm your body, and massage those places you need most.  I want to give the most intimate experiences of your life.  

     I see you continually planning for the future and buy more rings, and stuff for next Christmas, and I have to think„„„,I am going to have another year like this?  When does it slow or even appear to end…I slowly selling all that have.

    As we talk I know Have your heart, and I know you love me, and in that very special way, but what will help you take me away.

I will do it, I have researched , I am praying, I am hoping, I will give what you need….You say I am not out of your life, but everyone else agrees that you are.  What more do you want and how long do you want?  

   Remember I am the person you love, I have deep feeling, I need love and affection, admiration.  I wait for your timing to give it to me……not necessarily when I need it. I know that my lose in this is growth but I need to know that I am growing for us….because time is moving along.  You are the love of my life. Look forward to that part of your life… 

today

As I keep thinking about all that you have said, I wonder if you really know how much I love you. There is a difference between love and obligation. I would lay my life down for you because I love you. Someone else will work for the moment because they know they are threatened but it is that love?

Let’s think back…..less than two weeks after the discovery, you were with his mom…in Martinsville, against your wishes. I don’t know how many times since then you have told me that he “yells” at you, for whatever you do. And when you do tell me these things you say I shouldn’t tell you. Well, I know you haven’t been to an antique mall in months, and that you have not been listened too….that you even cried, because you couldn’t believe it. That you are consistently interrupted, but there is no waiting or coming back to you to see what you had to say. You are a convenient tool, somewhat of a trophy wife with no amenities( you work 30+ hours). Well, I guess you do have your laundry done, but the motivation behind that is so his laundry is right to him…… I don’t know, I am so confused.

You say if I leave you risked and you would understand, but on the other hand you say….Well, you left, you didn’t wait….you didn’t really love me. Then you say I know you every move and thought, but yet I can’t live with you….I know anyone reading this, and anyone can, is saying …what …are you thinking? What are these mixed messages? 

thinking

This day is long coming… You leave for a cruise, and the terms in which you left were very hard for me….Some of your last words were “I wish I could spend time on your boat and relax”, as you leave to go on the biggest boat around. I chose to write here as probably no one will read this and it is posted with a date and you will know for sure.

I remember when someone else left on cruise and when she returned things were never the same. I feel like that again, as I write. I can’t believe the words from your mouth. I can’t believe that I have to prove my love for you. That I have to prove that I would do ANYTHING to make you and me work. I have changed so many things I do for you, not only for you, but because I love you. I HAVE changed and I can. I am truly not angry any more. I do not have to deal with HIM. He portrays nothing but fiction. You used to say I love the way you treat me and now you question that. I cry at the thought that life is better, that a lie, is better, that a shell is better. Many friendships and lives have been ended by him, and yet….you cannot see it. You continue to blinded by the image, and the lifestyle that you survive in. It is truly difficult as I stand by and watch daily. You act as though me being sad is what I want. That happiness is always a reach. Think back when I was happy ….. what was happening in my life.

YOU were.

My hopes and dreams will always be that and no reality. You continue to make excuses and reasons why I can’t love you. Why your co workers and your sisters will fulfil your needs. As I stand by waiting for you to chose what everyone else would beg for. Why? I do have a proven record. I have loved , you said,” it was the best, you said no one makes you laugh as I do, and knows your next thought, and understands you better” and yet…..I am still not good enough…….my heart breaks, as though if I am not good enough for you….. then it will not happen. If you say you will always be unhappy one way or the other why break my heart?

As you know the other person will go on just as he always has, and not skip a beat. There will never be a good time. He spent 18 years breaking your heart and I spent 9 loving it. He hates me cause I loved you, and I hate him, because he didn’t love you. The time you spend with me is only minutes……and yet sometimes you say it is too much, it defeats your purpose. And yet we used to spend hours…..and you act as though nothing has changed. Our time has changed but your words have not. I can tell you have changed. You act more like HIM and that is scary for me. That you can meld in to something that is so not you.

You are more critical, you smile less, more harsh and uptight, you kindness comes and goes, you interrupt, but expect more. It is most difficult to love you now but I do carry on. What bothers me most is that in your world, what matters to me most, is usually not considered or if it is, it is considered for only minutes and then dropped.

It seems to love you most is to leave at this point, as my heart can only cry with pain and sadness………at the words of today. I am sorry I can never be what you want me to be as …………I gave everything I had, my heart, which I held so tight because of fear of another loss……. It is funny, that which you hold on to, has little to no substance……and you have lost so many better…..lest you not forget …..the ongoing list that piles, because of one person and their control over you, your life, and your thoughts.

You were a better person…..when there was less of him……Your life was fruitful, and your growth and beauty seemed endless, and you are once again stifled into the life that is planned for you daily……If this is what you want, and this is your happiness, I guess my life, must move in a different direction…..because my heart saddens at the level you allow yourself to be put in. It truly reminds of my old situation, in which you despised, and maybe that is why…..we hate most in others, that we see in ourselves. Look back to my situation and see if you are not in the same or worse. I can’t believe I am here today writing this. The words that continue to come from your mouth amaze me ….I can not complete the task……no matter how much I give…….I pray….I did the research……..I have given all …. my love…. my heart….my life……

Now that’s a bad sign….

Every time there is a “Meeting” I am avoided all day.

2nd update

 Ok everyone get your notes out………..

Last update: I left you in Los Angeles at the Walk of Fame. (remember each paragraph below has a post…..check it out)

This time we start with a visit to Universal Studios in Los Angeles.  On the set of “The Grinch”.  “The Grinch” just so happens to be one of my very favorite movies.  

While at Universal we moved on to Wisteria Lane, site of “Desperate Housewives”.  Everyone was on the set that day, except Eva (Gabby).  This is one of my favorite television shows.

Hoover Dam was also visited, but I only got half of the sign in the picture.

While in Hollywood I drove past Paris Hilton’s house and snapped this picture of her car. Later, that night/morning(12am), she was released from jail.  I was just a block away.  What a great moment……..ha, ha, ha,….

I do not benefit from you clicking on this next link, so enjoy without thinking I want a sale.  I really wanted to stay here, I just couldn’t talk my entourage into an extra night.   But if I ever go back to Malibu…..which is my plan (at the end of this story)…….I will go here.

And the last entry this week, Skybus.  Again, I do not benefit from this link.  But I have to say it was a great deal.  They appear to have a lot of rules, but easy enough to follow with my cheap airfare. They have new planes…and they fly in and out of airports that aren’t  too busy.

Well….there you have it, another week. An insider’s view of how I tried to get away from it all.  But reality comes back next week.

Keep guessing and tune in for the update……..

It sucks to be me!

Thoroughly, upset and feeling like my life has no direction and this was the response I got…………                                                                                               

No Contact?

  Someone had a A Trip to Cleveland.  I  did not go but I did get Three Phone Calls. I didn’t , answer but it was great to hear your voice.

THE SCOOP, thus far

So here’s the scoop: thus far……. This is in order of the pictures as they are posted. 

May 7, 2007, My sleepless nights begin.

I begin to survive like a fox amongst dogs.  My life becomes a daily struggle.   

My best friend loves purple and it is beautiful. 

 I decide to go to Las Vegas and visit.  There is a replica of a little Eiffel Tower, it reminds me of my best friend who visited Paris. 

While I was in Vegas,  I decided to visit the Grand Canyon.

There were these cute little squirrels everywhere and they appeared tame.  I picked a leaf and gave it to this squirrel.  The ranger there was NOT nice and repeatedly said, “Don’t feed the squirrels!!”  I kept apologizing and finally he said, “thanks”.  Authority has definitely went to his head!

Back to Vegas: This hotel (Bellagio) was so beautiful and this area was dedicated to a rose garden.

Went to LA and the Walk of Fame………Homer (name changed to protect the innocent, lol)  is a young man who went with me on my trip.  He absolutely loves the Simpson’s.

There was another person who tagged along, that absolutely loves Amy Grant.  Much to her chagrin,  she once said, “she could be best friends with Amy.”  She will never live this one down for the rest of her life.

Next update in a week……..keep guessing

And Someone Needs Counseling